The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
