my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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