We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
