Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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