I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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