If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
