Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
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My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
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She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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