felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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