How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
