Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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