WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
im on a boat
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