Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize