Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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