i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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