She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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