He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
