What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
