I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
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I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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