I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
