i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
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I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
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I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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