I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
