I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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