dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
