batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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