no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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