DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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