my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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