I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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