Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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