I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
