Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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