he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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