i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
