Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
