Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
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Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
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The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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