I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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