did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
