I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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