she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
