nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.