the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Life without a bra equals bliss.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep