I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
