you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Holy shit dude........stairs
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
