She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
