while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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