I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
