I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
