We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
