I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
