I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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