Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
