dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
