Need sex. Gaining weight.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
