Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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